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Updated 01/17/08 OK Folks, here is a sample of the jokes you people send me, that even I don't feel comfortable including in the weekly e-mail - Remember, I don't write them, I just pass them on.:
------------------------01/17/08-------------------------- "Jack and Jill"
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it
down to one of two people, Jill or Jack. It was an
impossible decision because they were both super
workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hangover
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take
an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Jill , I have never
done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Couldn't you just jack off?" she says. "I don't feel well today." ----------------------------------------------------------------- "New Profession"
During a moment of brilliance, a man buys several
sheep in hopes of breeding them for wool. He figured
it'd be an excellent way to make some extra money.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian
for help. The vet tells him he should try artificial
insemination.
Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this
means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only
asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing
around and will instead lay down and wallow in the
grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he
loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back
and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around,
he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the truck again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just
standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and,
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look
out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and...
one of them is honking the horn!" ------------------------------------------------- "Santa's Spelling"
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says, "I bet I know
what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he
taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S."
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have
enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with
every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I
have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any
because I can smell it on your finger!" ------------------------ "Granting a Wish"
Santa was in the local mall, when after days
of young children filing past, he was confronted
by a lovely looking eighteen year old girl.
She sits herself down on Santa's knee and he
asks her what she wants for Christmas.
She says, "Well Santa, I've got no pubic hairs on
my pussy, and I wondered if you could get me
some for Christmas?"
Santa replies, "Well, I don't know if I can get you
Pubic hairs, will white whiskers do?"
----------------------------------------- Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around
in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh,
good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!" ----------------------------------------- It's Tough Getting Old
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
--------------------------------------------------------- "Who Enjoys Sex More?"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with
getting some?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put
your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
------------------------------------------------------- "Naughty Riddles"
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's
mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse
say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the
toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and
moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not
getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good
hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have
in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
--------------------------------------------------- "Problem Solved"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have
his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so
he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then
stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire
purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and
do that?"
The old lady replied, "Well.. Set the goose down, cover
him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens!" ---------------------------12/05/07------------------------- New Rodney Carrington Song - Show Them to me - "R" rated ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good
man and they would have married him anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Please take the following Manliness Assessment:"
1) In the company of females, intercourse should be
referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2) You should make love to a woman for the first time
only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a s*xual
relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3) You time your org*sm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing
your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever
find out about
5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman
you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in
the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8) Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9) Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message
at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."
10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
self-indulge:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
first place
Evaluating the results:
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your
pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into
therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"
----------------------------------------------------------------- "Private Golf Lessons"
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither
of them are playing like they want to, so they decide
to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson
first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,
"No,no,no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the
club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight
up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with
the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro
watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're
gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife
listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . .
about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club
out of your mouth and swing the club like you're
supposed to!" "Eligible Oldsters"
Two dapper old men sit on the porch of the retirement
home every single afternoon. Two marriage-minded
old ladies who move to the home set their sights on
these most eligible of bachelors.
The first day, they dress up in their finest evening gowns
and parade past the porch three times. The men don't
even look up. Every day for two weeks, the old ladies try
something new to get their attention - new hats, new
hairdos, new jewelry. But the men don't give them a
second glance.
Finally, the old ladies are so fed up one says to the other,
"the only thing that's going to get the attention of those
old coots is a little flesh."
The next afternoon, both ladies take off all their clothes
in the bushes, then streak by the porch.
One of the old men says to the other,
"My G~d, what did they have on today?"
The other codger shakes his head.
"Can't say for sure. But whatever they were wearing, it
certainly needs ironing very badly." ------------------------------------------------- "Coincident"
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards,
the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell
you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's
wrong with my baby, Doctor?...What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong,
exactly, but your baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...
er......features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my goodness!
You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
---------------------------11/26/07----------------------------- "Porch Gossip"
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch,
doing nothing. One lady turns and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Er... Who drives you to the beach???"
------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams ... "Knock it off. You're going to break something".
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands
in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries, gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what
it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and crap is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !" *You're laughing aren't you..I know you are -------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Osama Bin Laden
While trying to excape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded "you ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked Genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
The annoyed Genie said "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken and he had no health insurance.
God is Good. ------------------------------- "A Redneck Wedding Night"
Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony,
are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6
Honeymoon Suite in Sacramento, California.
They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very
night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife
for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just
thought you should know... this ain't just our first time...
this here is my first time, ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin'
myself just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for
you on our weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"
With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, erection and
all, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone and naked.
He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives
back home across the tracks.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here? It's 3am
on yore weddin' night! Why the hell ain't you and that
purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere
f*ckin' like rabbits?"
"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up
and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As
soon as she told me, I got the hell outta there as
fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing...
Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly,
she certainly ain't good enough for ours!" ---------------------------------------------------------- A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers,"Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
---------------------------------11/05/07---------------------- "Three Old Ladies"
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and
Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet
conversation when a flasher approached from
across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in
front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude
also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and
more feeble, couldn't reach that far. ------------------------------------------------------- "Bubba's Tip" The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba
had so many women hanging around that he couldn't
possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked
Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about
to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the
dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can
screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the
bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing
a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and
started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you Bubba?"
-------------------------------------------------------- "Abbreviations" Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says,
"My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I
am a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Wal-Mart Greeter" A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked
into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.
Are they twins ?" The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough
to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and
the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "$280,000 Mortgage" For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd
give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him; "I was walking past your
room last night and heard you telling mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm
staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage ane no bike! " ------------------------------------------------------ This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear,
a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story......
(Maybe not the one most expect....
So, read on!) In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
.
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
.
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab the fish!!"
.
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish and I'll shoot the bear and have a proper
lunch."
.
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I
can tell you there's more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
.
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch
time) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for
that fly, nd that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that
bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich then I can have
mouse for lunch."
.
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is gonna be in serious danger --------------------------------------------------------- "Expensive Hooker" A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking
about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe
walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the
bartender about her and is surprised to discover that
she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night,
amazed that someone so attractive could be available
to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure
enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is
it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for handjob. We can negotiate from
there." "$100!?!... for a handjob?.. are you crazy?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the
front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari
parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the
money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what
the hell.. He leaves with her, and gets the most
unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand
job was better than any complete sexual experience
in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly
for her to show up. When she does, he immediately
approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my BJs." "How much is that?" "500 bucks" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building."
I paid cash for that building with the money I made on
BJs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed.
He nearly faints -- twice. The next night he can hardly
contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me
for some p*ssy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points
down the street, where between the buildings he can
see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own
Manhattan!" "Voodoo D*ck" There was this businessman who was getting ready
to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something
to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
(For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while
on his trip) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and
started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
d*ck.'" "So what about this voodoo d*ck?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an
old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it,
and there lay a very ordinary-looking d*ldo. The businessman laughed, and said, "It looks like every other
d*ldo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d*ck, the door." The voodoo d*ck rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook
with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo d-ck,
get back in your box!" The voodoo d*ck stopped, floated
back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his
wife, told her it was a special 'dildo' and that to use it, all
she had to do was say "Voodoo d*ck, my p*ssy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while
he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably
hot and bothered. She thought of several people who
would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo d*ck. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo d*ck, my p*ssy!" The voodoo d*ck shot to her crotch and started pumping. It
was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After
three org*sms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to
pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried
and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband
had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the vibrating item. On the way, another org*sm nearly made her swerve off the
road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked
or her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo d*ck was stuck in her p*ssy,
and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah,
right! Voodoo dick, my a*s!"
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